Hi. I'm 33 years old and divorced. I'm taking care of my 2-year-old son. Before I met my ex-husband, I didn't want kids at all. I never liked them and never held a baby before my son was born. But my ex-husband convinced me to have a child, and eventually, I agreed. First, there was a difficult pregnancy, and after that, I started wanting a child myself. However, after giving birth, I realized I made a mistake. Our son was born with health issues, and we spent the first year going to different hospitals. He still doesn't sleep well at night, and his tantrums drive me crazy.
My husband and I divorced 6 months ago, and things with our son are not going well. Because of the lockdown, we have to stay home, and that makes everything harder. Before, when he played outside, I could take a break and do my work. But now, being stuck inside with him all the time is really tough. He annoys me a lot, just being with him makes me really mad. I don't want to do things like work, walk, or feed him. The only time I'm happy is when he's with my grandmother on weekends. My ex suggested taking him to live with him, but I feel like I have to keep him with me because of responsibility and what people might think. Also, my mom loves her grandson a lot, so she wouldn't like that idea.
It's really hard for me. I regret having my son, and I feel bad about it every day. But, you can't change the past, and it's not his fault. I don't know if there's a way for me to love him and not get so annoyed. I can't even talk to him calmly, I just end up yelling. I blame myself for doing it.
It might seem like post-childbirth depression, but I'm pretty sure the main issue is that I didn't really want to have kids in the beginning.
I understand that my feelings and struggles might be hard to understand or accept. It's not easy for me to express these emotions, and I want to make it clear that I am grappling with a mix of regret, guilt, and frustration. This isn't about blaming my son, or my ex husband, or anyone else; it's more about acknowledging my own emotional challenges and seeking support to navigate through them.